That's what I tell myself most days now. I have found that while trying to rediscover your faith you lose it more often. I don't know how long this journey will take in fact it may be a never ending journey but I am determined. This last week, the last few months actually have been a test of faith greater than any other. Everyday I simply say "Just Believe." I want so much to believe that God would not abandon me to this pain and uncertainty but there are times when I am not so sure. There are days when I am so happy and everything is going so great and then the shoe drops and things take a drastic turn.
I feel like God gave me the desires and dreams I have. That it is somehow his way of giving me a purpose but then sometimes I resent those same desires and dreams. They seem so far out of reach. It's like trying to find the light switch in a cold, dark, empty room. You find it only to discover the bulb is burnt out. I was taught never to worry God provides and in my experience he always has but it just seems like there are somethings that he dangles in front of you only to snatch them away. I was watching a movie yesterday and there was one line in it where the character was telling another that "She felt she had no value but to never underestimate her purpose." It was like a light bulb went off, like God had said pay attention! Do you have moments like those? I hadn't intended to watch that particular movie yesterday. My aunt brought it me telling me how good it was and that I should watch it.
Who knows maybe today will be the day when God says "See all of your struggle, all of your waiting, all of your pain was for a reason. There was a purpose and now things will be better, your prayers will be answered." That's all I can really hope for in the end anyway.
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